Dear Phil
by spaceylion
Summary: Dan had died in an accident, leaving Phil alone. In mourning, Phil finds Dan's diary and figures reading an entry or two might allow him to be close with his friend once more. But what he finds is something he'd never expect.
1. Dear Phil

**A/N: Something my friend and I thought up at school today! Lots of credit goes to my best friend, UkeAlchemist.  
I hope you like it! Please leave reviews, I'd really appreciate it.**

I found Dan's diary under his bed. It had been a week since it happened, although it felt like this past week had gone on for centuries. _It's like he's still here,_ I thought, looking around. His coffee mug sat on the desk next to his bed, and his clothes hung untouched and gathering dust in the closet. It all seemed so ordinary, like nothing had changed. I half expected to see him barging through the door of his own room, wondering what I was doing snooping through his belongings. Except he wouldn't be back. He's gone, and I'm still here.

 _We made promises. Never to leave each other. He broke his promise._

I picked up the jumper he had left lying on the bed. It was his grey one with the horns on the hood; I hugged it close to me.

I sat on the floor, my knees pulled up to my chin and the sweater clutched to my chest. I picked the diary up and looked at the cover.

It housed a simple grey and black design on it and was filled with loose pages. It was clear the diary was used often and no doubt filled with all of his personal thoughts.

 _Should I do this?_ I wondered. I longed to have some sort of connection with him, even if it meant only through reading.

 _He'd hate me for this, he's probably rolling in his grave,_ I thought, turning the book to the last page.

 _Dear, Phil:_

 _I can't help but wonder what would happen if I told you how I really feel. Or what our fans would think. (We probably wouldn't be public about it, huh?) Throughout all these years, I've tried to ignore how I felt, but I'm done with it. I'm just going to go for it. Tonight, Phil, I'm going to take you somewhere nice and I'm going to confess. I love you, Phil._

It was dated the afternoon before the events that led to his death. I couldn't wrap my head around any of this. I flipped through some earlier entries, all addressed to me. The most recent was more romantic than the rest, but earlier ones still had many hints toward romantic feelings.

 _How did I never notice this?_

The doorbell rang. I put my head in my hands, wiping away the silent tears that were streaming down my cheeks, leaving stains on the pages of the diary. I closed it, staring blankly at the cover for a moment longer before setting it beside the mug on the desk. I took a deep breath and got up slowly.

I reached the front door and opened it to see a man holding a bouquet of my favorite flowers.

"Are you Phillip Lester?" He asked, monotone.

I nodded. He handed me the bouquet of flowers and walked away. I looked quickly to find a card hidden between the soft petals. A deep sadness came over me as I read:

 _Dear Phil,_

 _I was going to tell you in person at a date, but I couldn't do it.  
Hopefully I've timed this delivery right and I'm not home when the flowers arrive._

 _Anyway, I sent these to tell you that I love you. More than as a best friend; I think you get the point. I hope you feel the same way. I'll see you when I get home._

 _See you soon,_

Love, Dan.

I sunk to the floor, my knees hitting the ground with a thud. Feeling as fragile as the flower petals, I set the bouquet down on the floor next to me.

 _I'll see you soon, too, Dan._


	2. Dear Dan (pt 1)

_Dear Dan,_

 _It's been a year since I've seen you. I tried, I tried my hardest to keep up the channels, but what even are they without you? Just some lonely kid talking to strangers on the internet? People have been tweeting me, begging to post more videos, but I just can't take it. I see your name everywhere on my channel and it breaks my heart._

 _Every day I wake up and it's like it's all happened all over again. Like, something in me still doesn't want to understand that you aren't coming back. Something in me refuses to believe it. I was walking around the flat and I could've sworn I saw you turn around the corner. I felt my heart leap with joy for a moment and then it all came crashing down again. You're gone. And a huge part of me has gone along with you._

I put away the diary with the black designs and stained papers. It used to be Dan's. I found out after he died that he had been writing diary entries addressed to me in an attempt to express his feelings to me without actually telling me. I didn't feel right leaving the diary incomplete, lonely, abandoned. I didn't want it to be like me.

I thought back to when I found out, after I'd read the diary and received the flowers he sent. I had been ready to end it. Lying on the floor, I had been a puddle of pure sadness. I had no desire to move, to eat, even crying needed more effort than I was willing to put forth. Instead, I had laid there for hours, wondering if I could literally die of heartbreak. I knew it was possible, it was just a matter of time.

I didn't die, however; instead, I just lay in that miserable state for hours,eventually getting up as nighttime arrived. When it did, I crawled into Dan's bed and hugged his pillow and sweater to my chest. And since then, I'd slept there ever since.

It reminded me of the days when he'd go out of town for the weekend and I'd secretly sneak into his bedroom to sleep while he was gone.  
But the bed no longer smelled like him as it used to. And memories of him were fading along with the scent. His face, his laugh, the softness of his hands, it was all becoming distant.

Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I looked up, startled to see that nothing was there. "Hello?" I stood up and turned on the light. I pulled the hood of Dan's sweater onto my head and tugged at the strings nervously. "Anyone there?"

"I'm sorry I left you." The voice comes as if out of nowhere.

"Dan?!" I stuttered, trying to make sense of what was going on. I blushed and pushed the hood off of my head.

"I've missed you, Phil."

I could make out the foggy outline of a familiar figure standing before me. I reached out a hand to touch him, make sure it was real, but my hand just went right through.  
"Is it really you?" I asked. Despite what had happened moments earlier, I rushed over to where he was and attempted to embrace him. I sighed sadly, knowing that I would never be able to hug him again.

"I've gone crazy, haven't I." I said in anguish.

The image of Dan faded from view, leaving only the empty room and my pounding heart.

I went back to bed and pulled the covers over my head for the night.


End file.
